Courage, Compassion, Connection

• practice worthiness
• courage - we get courage when we do courageous acts, it's a "habitus", habit.
• compassion - also a habit, get it by doing it.

• connection - also a habit, get it by doing it.

• if you feel ashamed:

• tell your story - empathic person - it must have been hard, you were brave
  • listen and be with us and our emotion
  • deeply rooted, able to bend
  • embraces our strengths and struggles
  • earned the right to hear it

• 8 responses "empathy misses" to avoid, and also don't do these things:

  • avoid someone who would say "i feel sorry for you" - sympathy
  • make someone ashamed feel even worse "you poor thing, bless your heart"
  • avoid judgment - someone who feels shame for you and confirms your behavior
  • you have to try to make them feel better
  • avoid disappointment person "you let me down"
  • wtf behavior, like a parent response
  • discomfort - terrible, who can we blame
  • discharge the shame, blame someone else
  • comparing and competing
  • confuse connection with opportunity to one up you
  • advice giving and problem solving
  • i can fix this and i can fix you
  • instict is to fix it
  • especially for people who are a resource for problem solving

• identifying courageousness

• for yourself
• trent: i could also use this to give positive feedback (example from book of mother positive feedback to daughter)

• courage has a ripple effect, everytime we demonstrate it we make the world kinder and braver

• compassion

• TODO
• be with as an equal
• boundaries and compassion:
• barriers to compassion practice - fear of setting boundaries and holding people accountable
• understanding connection between boundaries, accountability, acceptance, and compassion has made author kinder
• before the breakdown: judgmental, resentful, angrier on inside, sweeter on outside
• after the breakdown: genuinely more compassionate, less judgmental and resentful, way more serious about boundaries. I have no idea what it looks like on the outside (e.g. not as sweet? doesn't matter), but feels way better on the inside
• boundary conscious people were most compassionate
• compassionate people are boundaried people
• start compassion by setting boundaries and holding people accountable
• we live in a blame culture
  • can we be kinder but firmer?
  • less blame, more accountability
  • shame and blame without accountability is toxic
  • move the focus from the original behavior to your own behavior
  • the only behavior in question is the person shaming someone else
  • for your kids: if you don't clean up after yourself, then i won't be as happy in my home

• separate the behavior from the person. what they are doing, not who they are

• connection

• connection is energy that exists between people when:
  • they feel seen, heard, and valued
  • they can give and receive without judgment
  • they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship
• connection is required for humans, it's not negotiable, "it's neuroscience"
• the more stronger we are connected emotionally, the greater the mutual force
• let go of "myth of self sufficency"
  • let go of the idea of success as not needing anyone
  • don't confuse communication with connection, especially digital communication

• "until we receive with an open heart, we can never give with an open heart"

  • when we attach judgement to receiving help, we attach judgment to giving help
  • do you derive self worth from never needing help and always offering it?

• worthiness to love and belonging

• the only thing in the study that separated people who feel love and belonging is that people who felt love and belonging, felt worthy of love and belonging (tautology, or is she talking about the data?)
• "worthiness doesn't have prerequisities"
• have we been handed down a long list of worthiness prerequisites: losing weight, making money, being asked out, being sober, total expert.
• "I am worth of love and belonging now" is at the heart of wholeheartedness.
• when is the last time you sat down and talked about what "i love you" means with someone you love? It's like shame in that way.
• "fitting in is not belonging" paraphrased, being a chameleon versus truly feeling belonging
  • fitting in gets in the way of belonging
  • assess a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted
  • belonging doesn't require us to change anything about who we are, instead be who we are
• do our best to explain love and belonging, although it's too difficult to be scientific here:
• can't separate love and belonging (same is for joy and gratitude, later section)
• love belongs with belonging
• absence of love and belonging leads to suffering
  • break, fall apart, numb, ache, hurt others, get sick. other causes of course, but absence is a cause
• love - allow our most vulnerable/powerful selves to be seen and known, honor that with trust affection and kindness. must exist within both people.
  • can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
  • shame, blame, betrayal, disrespect, withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows
  • these injuries must be acknowledge, healed, and rare
• belonging
  • primal human urge to belong to something greater than us
  • hollow substitutes are "seeking approval" and "fitting in"
  • it's much easier to say "i'll do whatever it takes to fit in", but it doesn't really work
  • our belonging can never be greater than our self acceptance
• practicing love and belonging
• practicing love: always think of love as an action: assume accountability and responsibility. "bellhooks" (?)
• how i behave every day is as or more important than saying "i love you every day"
• not practicing love is "incongruent living" is exhausting
• priortitize cultivating self-love and self-acceptance - is not optional

• these are priorities

• "I can't believe how much naming and talking about shame changed my life."

• 'shame is the master emotion' - force us to silence our stories
• everyone has shame, everyone can develop shame resilience: courage, compassion, and connection as a result of our shameful experiences
• shame resilience:
• the less we talk about shame the more we have it: secrecy, silence, and judgment.
• shame happens between people and it heals between people
• find someone who has earned the right to hear your story and tell it
• shame looses power when spoken
• 4 elements shared by highly shame resilient people:
  • 1. understand shame, recongnize messages and expectations that trigger shame for them
  • 1. critical awareness: reality check that "being imperfect means being inadequate"
  • 1. reach out and share stories with people they trust
  • 1. speak shame, talk about shame, how they are feeling, ask what they need.
• transformative power of story
• difference btw guilt and shame - guilt: i did bad, shame: i am bad
• guilt apparently positive (still there is a grey space here, where people can feel guilty about the social contract and be coerced, therefore i disagree that guilt is positive)
• parenting by shame teaches children that they are inherently unworthy of love
• 3 non-productive shame responses, used at different times/reasons:
• move away from shame: silence, secrets
• move towards: appease and please
• aggressive: use shame to fight shame
• recognize in shame and act with intention
• own the story
• author: "warm wash of inadequacy, dry mouth, time slows down, uncomfortable"
• know your personal symptoms so you can be deliberate
• before you do, say, text, etc, get back on your feet
• can take 10-15 mins to pull yourself together
• questions to ask yourself to identify shame:
• who do you become when in shame corner?
• how do you protect yourself?
• who do you call to work through your responses (3 non productive shame responses)
• what's the most courageous thing you can do for yourself when you feel small/hurt?
• who has earned the right to hear my story?
• if we have 1-2 people in our lives who can give empathy / belonging, we are incredibly lucky
• need it from at least 1 person
• we have to acknowledge our own worthiness: "i am worthy"